"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
