i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
