i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
