Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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