Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
