i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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