Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
