I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize