I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
