I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just invented taco cereal.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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