So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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