nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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