If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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