It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
