My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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