I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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