That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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