i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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