WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
