I can't breathe out the right side of my face
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
