ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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