I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
