You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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