I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
