Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize