Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
