ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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