Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
