Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
