I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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