I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
