this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
