my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
