She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
