I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
