From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
