I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just gargled with NyQuil
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