The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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