Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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