Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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