Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
