my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
