I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
