Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He felt like a one man threesome
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
