Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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