Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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