The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
