What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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