...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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