I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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