i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
