Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
