We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
