his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize