Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
