yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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