I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
